Don't Wanna Feel - The Story of an Accidentally Sad Song

With my new single Don’t Wanna Feel coming out July 31st (although it’s available RIGHT NOW on Patreon), I thought I might share a little of the story behind the song. It’s one of my favorite compositions on the EP, both because of how much more harmonically complicated it is than a lot of what I write and how fun it’s been to perform live.

For context, this whole EP is meant to tell the story of a failed, toxic relationship and the reclamation of personal power once the protagonist is out of the situation. It’s more than a little autobiographical and most of the songs were written as a way to process what I was feeling in the moment. Don’t Wanna Feel is definitely one of those tracks that has its roots in personal catharsis.

I went on a bit of a bender after ending a four year relationship. At the time, I justified it by telling myself that a one-month bender wasn’t that big a deal in the grand scheme of things; but once I sobered up, I realized I’d actually spent two months in a stony haze. My heart was broken, I was re-evaluating or giving up on all the plans I had made for my future, and I still had my ex’s dog every other week which not only complicated my schedule but meant that me and Tipper (my dog) got to deal with a weekly cycle of reopening wounds. The pain, anger, anxiety, and grief all felt like too much. I wanted to be numb; I’d deal with the feelings later.

Somewhere in the midst of this haze while laying stoned on my bed, I wrote the first verse to this song. I played it again and again, excited about the promising creative vein I had tapped but unable to finish it. I know there’s that myth of the drunk or stoned artist. Drugs don’t make you creative, y’all. I mean, maybe some people, but I’m not one of them. The realization that my newly developed bad habits were blocking me from finishing the song (and making me chronically late for work) finally snapped me out of my stupor.

I sobered up and finish the song, and I was thrilled. It was way more interesting from a musical standpoint than a lot of my recent compositions. The harmony drew on some of the jazz theory I had learned in college that used to be a huge part of my writing. In my mind, the song was fun, a real party tune.

With this excitement (and new found energy) in mind, I brought it to my band. They liked it but also checked in that I was ok. This surprised me; I thought I had written this sexy party jam. Instead, I’d managed to write my depression into song, even though I couldn’t see or acknowledge it myself.

Just a cool shot that feels rather Moon-ish to me. Photo snapped by Austin James using an Instax camera.

It still love this song. It’s a joy to play as a musician and gives me the chance to tap into a more technical side of both my composition and vocal performance skills. And it’s still relatable. I’ve definitely felt similar urges to not feel anything throughout the course of the last couple months. I suspect we all have.

The tarot card I chose for the art with the help of Kiki Dombrowski is The Moon. The Moon is all about illusion and fear, and was inarguably the best choice for this song. Getting stoned didn’t fix my broken heart, it just allowed me to pretend it wasn’t there for a while like a magical glamor. It was just smoke and mirrors (pun intended), and the only reason I needed that illusion was to avoid the pain I was so afraid of confronting. I was still under the spell of illusion after I wrote the song, refusing to see the depression so clearly reflected in my words and instead convincing myself that I’d written the party song of the year.

And, of course, the art features my dog, Tipper, who occasionally pretends to be a real dog instead of the wonderful wild thing that she is.

If you’re wishing you didn’t feel anything right now, this song is for you. I don’t suggest doing what I did and chemically fast-forwarding through two months of your life, but I certainly can relate. Take time to take care of yourself; listen to Don’t Wanna Feel while sinking into a hot bath. Meditate on The Moon card for a while. But most importantly, love yourself.

Be safe, spread love, and do good for the world and yourselves, y’all.